/ / The postpartum fun nobody talks about / /
**Consider yourself warned - this post is probably the biggest dose of TMI you will ever get from me. The subject line doesn't lie... I WILL be talking about adult diapers. Stop reading now if you don't want the down and dirty (get it? ha. ha.)**
Now that I've gotten that little disclaimer out of the way, let's get real for a minute here shall we? Being pregnant, growing a baby (and an organ! What up, placenta!), and eventually giving birth really is a crazy wild kind of miracle, as we all know. And while the whole thing is incredibly beautiful in a way that I can't really describe when I'm sleep deprived, it's also full of so many random and odd side effects that NOBODY tells you about. I imagine this is for several reasons, including but not limited to the fact that a lot of said side effects are embarrassing and awkward to talk about, it's way more fun to just gush about how awesome and amazing babies are, and to an extent, if someone had told me everything I may have strongly considered sterilization before I would have willingly tried to get pregnant. Ok ok, that last one is a little extreme, but really... I wish I would have had a bit more warning.
Thankfully, I had one wonderful girlfriend who gave birth just a couple months before me that DID warn me about some of the not so pretty postpartum stuff, and her little tip was so darned helpful that I thought it would just be wrong to hide it from the 12 people that read this blog. So here it is people - the best advice that was given to me, now being passed on to the world:
Buy adult diapers. No, really.
Pack them in your hospital bag and stash them in every bathroom at home. If you're leaving the house stuff a couple extras in your bag. Have enough on hand to change them several times a day for a couple weeks. And most importantly, laugh about the fact that you are wearing adult diapers because hey, you just squeezed a baby out of your hoohah and you deserve a good laugh even if it's at your own expense.
Here's the deal - the fabulous mesh underwear and pads the size of a twin mattress that they give you in the hospital are fine and all for the first day or so when you're still a little delirious and you look and feel like you've been hit by a semi truck minus that whole new "I'm a mom!!!" glow. But as soon as you decide you want to at least remotely resemble a functioning human again and you don't want to feel, well, like you have a twin size mattress between your legs, I can assure you that adult diapers will be your new best friend.
Now I knew that with giving birth came lots of bleeding afterwards - I can't imagine that's much of a surprise to anyone given the fact that you're essentially pushing something the size of a bowling ball out of a hole that is not the size of a bowling ball. But what I didn't know and was totally unprepared for was a major lack of bladder control after the munchkin was born. Even after my lovely friend warned me about this I STILL thought to myself "pish posh, that won't happen to me." And guess what? IT DID. And it WILL (probably) also happen to you. And if you aren't wearing a literal diaper it could be really really embarrassing if you're, say, in the middle of Old Navy trying to find clothes to fit your new "beautiful" postpartum body and all of a sudden you have to pee and you're nowhere near a bathroom. You will stop dead in your tracks and pray to God that you didn't just pull a 1st grade move and seriously pee your pants, and you might even drop your phone in the toilet when you finally do make it to the bathroom because you're in such a rush to make sure your measly pad held up. And THEN you will wish you were still wearing your adult diapers because man, those bad boys protected you from everything.
But that totally didn't happen to me.
So I wore adult diapers for a couple weeks and let me tell you, they were AWESOME. Since Adeline was in NICU and we were going back and forth to see her I carried extras with me every day and changed them every time I wanted or needed a little freshening up. At night I doused a clean one with lavender witch hazel + aloe vera and let me tell you, when you're healing from giving birth that is just heaven... in a diaper... for minute there. Unfortunately for the hubs, I loved those darned diapers so much that I may or may not have worn them PROUDLY after a couple of days and adopted the habit of walking around the house post-shower wearing very little more (what? None of my clothes fit). I recently told my mom and sister about one evening that first week when Adeline was still not home and I had to pump (which I can assure you is about as glamorous as adult diapers). I plopped myself down on our bed wearing nothing but my shower cap and a diaper and started pumping... and then Dan walked in. Talk about sexy!!! But really ladies, if a man can see you like that and still call you beautiful the next day, you know you got yourself a good one. (If he calls you beautiful right then and there he's a liar, but that's not the point here.)
Don't forget I did warn you that this post would be major TMI.
Bottom line - adult diapers are a godsend postpartum if you ask me and I think that everyone should know that. If you're getting close to d-day, get yourself to Target to buy a pack and embrace it, because I promise it's way better to forget about everything going on down there and embrace your new little bundle of joy instead. And hey, even Chrissy Teigan is doing it, so it can't be that bad.